Yeap… it’s been a long time eh;) I’m a little older and hopefully wiser now so do bear with me as I try to address a topic which has caused me grief ever since I was little (as early as 9 years old).
Love. *cue exasperated sighs and dramatic eye-rolls*
Hahaha I don’t know about you people out there, but I’m already in my early twenties and it’s about time I try to tackle this topic. This is my take on love and crushes and infatuations in general.
Allow me to start with the fact that for as long as I was aware, I had always been an ugly duckling in my family. My eyes were too big for my face, I was too dark, my lower lip was too thick, my hair was too frizzy and my teeth, OH MY TEETH were just too darned big and ugly. I couldn’t even close my mouth properly! I was a walking example of a classic Class II malocclusion case. And that was just my face. My body was another disaster. I was one of those girls who had hit puberty early and thus, my body was slightly different from the rest of my other adorable classmates then. I was a little on the heavy side, too. Did I mention that my legs were extremely hairy? Yeah. Shudder all you want. I went to a co-ed school like that until I was 15, believe it or not. In short, my childhood brings back a thousand painful memories for me now.
There were times when my ‘friends’ would laugh at how ugly I was…or how my body was too developed for my age then. The worst times were when all of us girls would cluster together and talk about our crushes, and I would know deep down that I didn’t stand a single chance with any of my crushes…simple because I was just so ugly. Oh, I tried my very best to get noticed…but they never worked. In retrospect, I cringe thinking of how stupid I was. I thought wearing black t-shirts and loose cargo pants would get me noticed by the boys!
I did, however, have one or two things going for me. I was a bright girl, and studies came very naturally to me. I was also very friendly and had a good sense of humour (p.s. I’m not blowing my own trumpet…LOL), so I was well-liked by both my teachers and my peers. So I did the only thing I could do then: I used my sunny personality (not in a bad way) to get close to my crush. We ended up becoming the best of friends… and yeah, it hurt me to see that he was infatuated with another classmate of mine (she was really pretty) but hey, what other choice did I have? I was only 11 or 12 at the time and I was such an idiot. Used to call him almost every single day. Tsk.
I thought leaving primary school would be a good thing…that starting secondary school at a new place would do me a world of good. But boy oh boy, I couldn’t have been more wrong. I got braces when I was 11, God bless my parents for having sought treatment for me when I was still young. By the time I turned 13, I thought I would’ve had learnt my lesson but no. I fell for yet another jock, whom I then proceeded to do the same thing that I did when I was 11. I tried to get close to him by being my good ol’ bubbly self.
Funnily enough though, there were times when I felt that he liked me back too…but that thought would disappear as fleetingly as it had appeared. He liked me enough, I knew. Heck, the whole class liked me. I was practically the nicest person around!
There was one particular incident that I remember very clearly to this day. Mind you, this happened 8 years ago. We were playing this stupid ‘Secret’ game in class whereby we had to answer some pretty personal questions on a piece of paper. I don’t really remember the details of the game though. Someone asked him to name a girl that he was crushing on in our class but we never got to find out the answer because the bell had already rang, indicating the start of the next class.
Here’s some background info: He and I were classmates, and at that time he was already in a relationship with some girl from another class. He was single when I first met him, though. Lol. His girlfriend never liked me. Probably felt that I was too close a friend to her guy. Whateverrrr. He was my friend (and crush!) first.
Anyway, back to the game. When everyone had left, I looked for his paper because I wanted to know his answer to the question. There were so many pretty girls in my class! I was burning with the need to find out which girl he was crushing on in our class. I finally found his paper…and to my utter shock, he had written my name on the paper! MY NAME. I don’t think I’m able to describe how happy I felt then… but then reality brought me crashing back to earth.
Yeah, sure he liked me. But he didn’t like me enough to like my face, did he? He was a shallow guy, just like all the guys that I ever had the pleasure of coming across then. I knew he thought I was too dark-skinned for him (he was light-skinned) because he sometimes made fun of my colour.
Long story cut short, we continued to be in the same school (but no longer the same class due to different subject combinations) for another 2 years. He never spoke to me properly after we switched classes. I heard from my friends that he went after another girl after his first girlfriend. Bastard.
I had some grand plan that I was going to confess my feelings for him on Prom Night, right before we graduated…but that didn’t work out because I looked downright hideous (too much foundation, too much blusher, too many accessories, too much bling AAARGH) on Prom. I only realized that months later. Yeap.
Going to college didn’t change things much for me, sad to say. I mean, I’d started shaving my legs so that part was settled. But my smile was fixed, though. Haha. I got my braces removed a few weeks after prom. I even got contacts! But…something was still missing. I was still a tad chubby, and nowhere near pretty. I found that out -the painful way- when a guy that I was crushing on told me how fat I looked. Way to go. Needless to say, I was shattered and whatever self-esteem I had at that point was gone. Not that I had much of it to start with, but oh well.
Anyway, I got into an overseas university after that. I had already resigned myself to my fate. I was going to be single and unwanted by guys all over. But that’s when things changed for me. Because what I hadn’t realized about myself was that I had eventually, EVENTUALLY grown into my looks (I had already hit my twenties by then-.-).
Like I told you before, my smile had been fixed by braces. I had lost the geeky specs and replaced them with contacts and I had finally learned how to apply eyeliner. I had even managed to create my trademark eyeliner style, something which drove guys gaga, as I would eventually learn later on. I had grown my hair so that it was long and wavy, and I had definitely lost a few pounds here and there. I was no longer the ugly duckling.
However, everything comes at a price. And realization, let me tell you, can be a very powerful tool indeed. Realization that you can manipulate people… that changes things a lot. And I was a far cry from what I used to be, years ago. I don’t know if what happened to me was a good thing or not. On the one hand, I was happy that my years of crying in front of a mirror, praying for a streak of good luck were over. But where is the cheerful and bubbly girl that used to be me? In her place stands someone bitter and cynical about life and love.
Sometimes I ask myself, is it worth it? Is it worth it to be beautiful? You have to think twice before someone from the opposite sex tries to befriend you. What does the person want from you, exactly? Friendship… or perhaps something more?
To be honest, I’m just downright frustrated with the male population. They fall for my face and don’t bother getting to know me first. Then they think that they can accept me for all my flaws when the truth is, they don’t know nuts about me or the kind of insanity that I’m capable of.
I want some friends who would be true to me, that’s all I’m asking for. Friends who won’t complicate genuine friendships with romance
bullcrap. Romance can wait. Like my parents always say, there will come a time for romance. No need to rush.
It’s true. I don’t want to rush headfirst into anything that I’m not ready for… because I don’t want to get my heart broken. I want something stable. Love is about maturity and understanding. Love is what my parents have. What they feel for me, that’s love. They know that I’m not the world’s best daughter… but they love me so much. I want that kind of love.
I believe that someday if I’m lucky enough, I’d get to experience that too.
I apologize if you ended up on this page by mistake. This is just my share of pent-up frustrations. Lol. Enough for now, huh? Goodnight:)